i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
should my penis look like a turkey
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.