About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I AM VODKA MAN
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.