She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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