I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I just pynch a tree in the face
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this