All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I told you penises don't tan
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.