Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
MIDGETS
????
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
