I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Dating After Heartbreak
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
they're staring at me
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high