When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
