Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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