I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.