Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
