I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
be right there i have to get my cape
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My pussy is not your playground.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I wish I only lived at night.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.