Texts From Last Night

PARedKnight's Favorites Texts:

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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

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  (724): You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails. http://tfl.nu/klfg
  Replies (13) Good night (735) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
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  (979): View more from Texas

  A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.

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  (979): A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dqlo
  Replies (12) Good night (391) Bad night (1148) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles

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  (212): Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles http://tfl.nu/ttbo
  Replies (5) Good night (295) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.

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  (419): Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in. http://tfl.nu/ss55
  Replies (14) Good night (1211) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next

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  (850): She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next http://tfl.nu/slhn
  Replies (9) Good night (3002) Bad night (178) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

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  (480): I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level. http://tfl.nu/m64o
  Replies (5) Good night (2469) Bad night (230)
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  (525): View more from

  It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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  (525): It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am? http://tfl.nu/0yre
  Replies (14) Good night (3094) Bad night (371) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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  (505): It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm. http://tfl.nu/vdhu
  Replies (15) Good night (4235) Bad night (282)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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  (812): I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you http://tfl.nu/vw2w
  Replies (15) Good night (1526) Bad night (306) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

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  (914): Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off http://tfl.nu/fxgn
  Replies (8) Good night (970) Bad night (297) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.

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  (914): If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run. http://tfl.nu/cpd8
  Replies (2) Good night (1191) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams

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  (774): This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams http://tfl.nu/o9iv
  Replies (5) Good night (927) Bad night (458) Order T-Shirt
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I thought you were single?

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

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  (262): I thought you were single? (1-262): I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick. http://tfl.nu/pt5v
  Replies (6) Good night (1370) Bad night (343) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.

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  (310): Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack. http://tfl.nu/hyp4
  Replies (6) Good night (358) Bad night (1096) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  Oh god. Standing was a rash decision

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...

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  (914): Oh god. Standing was a rash decision (847): I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes... http://tfl.nu/8xp2
  Replies (1) Good night (1112) Bad night (305)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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  (202): you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday? http://tfl.nu/psur
  Replies (5) Good night (2500) Bad night (288) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.

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  (314): The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons. http://tfl.nu/mw2s
  Replies (10) Good night (1612) Bad night (297) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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  (775): If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you. http://tfl.nu/tyav
  Replies (4) Good night (1195) Bad night (330) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Your cock is gonna weep like a baby

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  (407): Your cock is gonna weep like a baby http://tfl.nu/ae0t
  Replies (13) Good night (1400) Bad night (396) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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  (484): if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate. http://tfl.nu/ujin
  Replies (7) Good night (2131) Bad night (468) Order T-Shirt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.

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  (305): I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead. http://tfl.nu/c42w
  Replies (9) Good night (1194) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

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  (607): No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk. http://tfl.nu/h3m8
  Replies (14) Good night (1968) Bad night (345) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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  (570): Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied. http://tfl.nu/2f2b
  Replies (11) Good night (2271) Bad night (340) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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  (847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome. http://tfl.nu/h8r4
  Replies (13) Good night (4437) Bad night (439) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

  (713): View more from Texas

  So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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  (832): The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house (713): So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh? http://tfl.nu/xori
  Replies (15) Good night (3437) Bad night (433)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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  (770): Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay. http://tfl.nu/tpqf
  Replies (25) Good night (5434) Bad night (421)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Mom said you looked used

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  (910): Mom said you looked used http://tfl.nu/mdwd
  Replies (4) Good night (1304) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.

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  (662): She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list. http://tfl.nu/gj4y
  Replies (21) Good night (2815) Bad night (513) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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  (562): guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing". http://tfl.nu/0ckl
  Replies (17) Good night (5977) Bad night (931)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.

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  (248): If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is. http://tfl.nu/p0ib
  Replies (15) Good night (2340) Bad night (673)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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  (253): If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life. http://tfl.nu/jc0t
  Replies (15) Good night (2883) Bad night (442) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.

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  (337): Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird. http://tfl.nu/9vhr
  Replies (12) Good night (1702) Bad night (397)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.

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  (501): If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame. http://tfl.nu/x1of
  Replies (15) Good night (548) Bad night (1559) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are

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  (517): There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are http://tfl.nu/38ue
  Replies (18) Good night (817) Bad night (2643) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you

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  (713): I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you http://tfl.nu/33e4
  Replies (7) Good night (356) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

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  (917): She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic http://tfl.nu/5xzq
  Replies (36) Good night (4774) Bad night (1220) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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  (615): Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight. http://tfl.nu/ami0
  Replies (22) Good night (3557) Bad night (1333) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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  (360): Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck http://tfl.nu/w3fd
  Replies (18) Good night (1236) Bad night (3268)
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it

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  (250): Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it http://tfl.nu/v02x
  Replies (11) Good night (549) Bad night (1668) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.

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  (616): I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood. http://tfl.nu/i8nf
  Replies (9) Good night (4188) Bad night (586) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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  (647): I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. http://tfl.nu/kla9
  Replies (3) Good night (1429) Bad night (413) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

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  (202): My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about. (202): Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ. http://tfl.nu/wtju
  Replies (6) Good night (2785) Bad night (567)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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  (817): I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months" http://tfl.nu/023g
  Replies (5) Good night (1948) Bad night (579)
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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  (913): I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms. (1-913): So you know, I'm making that my facebook status. http://tfl.nu/4s8l
  Replies (24) Good night (7204) Bad night (740)
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  (212): View more from New York

  It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis

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  (212): It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis http://tfl.nu/3xfb
  Replies (13) Good night (2276) Bad night (982) Order T-Shirt
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

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  (912): Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here. http://tfl.nu/xdo1
  Replies (9) Good night (2012) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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  (289): Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger. http://tfl.nu/9mbe
  Replies (17) Good night (4904) Bad night (607)
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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  (440): My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made. http://tfl.nu/g5vb
  Replies (16) Good night (5830) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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  (314): I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though. http://tfl.nu/qm3u
  Replies (18) Good night (5352) Bad night (1354) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

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  (719): She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time http://tfl.nu/gadq
  Replies (20) Good night (6270) Bad night (850) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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  (503): Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement. http://tfl.nu/wyat
  Replies (11) Good night (3923) Bad night (973) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  What do you think it is?

  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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  (214): What do you think it is? (615): It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow. http://tfl.nu/3ng4
  Replies (11) Good night (4514) Bad night (1171)
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  (650): View more from California

  Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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  (650): Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother" http://tfl.nu/4czs
  Replies (13) Good night (6455) Bad night (1490) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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  (650): She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine http://tfl.nu/h16d
  Replies (15) Good night (3163) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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  (402): I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9... http://tfl.nu/1jeo
  Replies (2) Good night (2992) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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  (203): Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet. http://tfl.nu/z4ao
  Replies (24) Good night (7146) Bad night (1330) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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  (512): Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her. http://tfl.nu/6ypm
  Replies (48) Good night (16509) Bad night (712)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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  (864): Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you. http://tfl.nu/wybw
  Replies (6) Good night (3200) Bad night (541)
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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  (316): The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts. http://tfl.nu/ngvo
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body

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  (814): I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body http://tfl.nu/xxkq
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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  (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again. http://tfl.nu/qw6q
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She went from zero to smokin in five shots

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  (303): She went from zero to smokin in five shots http://tfl.nu/1faz
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

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  (317): You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice http://tfl.nu/bo72
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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  (678): his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him. http://tfl.nu/quex
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  I hate you

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  (425): Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs? (1-425): I hate you http://tfl.nu/19l9
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will

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  (321): okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will http://tfl.nu/hfgh
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  (714): View more from California

  I would go down on you faster than GM stock

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  (714): I would go down on you faster than GM stock http://tfl.nu/ai9f
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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  (978): I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING (617): you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me. http://tfl.nu/bj47
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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  (859): I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes! (1-859): please elaborate on, "atleast one ear" http://tfl.nu/8j2w
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

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  (+44): Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back http://tfl.nu/tdhe
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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  (978): She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo http://tfl.nu/4j6u
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.

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  (709): ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome. http://tfl.nu/2x6n
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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  (418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.

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  (219): I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious. http://tfl.nu/0lgt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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  (802): hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up http://tfl.nu/zwwo
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident

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  (615): all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident http://tfl.nu/nfc5
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  she looks like luggage that fell from a plane

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  (217): she looks like luggage that fell from a plane http://tfl.nu/yvwr
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  (917): View more from New York City

  M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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  (917): M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. http://tfl.nu/5zhv
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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  (919): She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me! http://tfl.nu/g61u
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  people would bow to what i just did to her vagina

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  (901): people would bow to what i just did to her vagina http://tfl.nu/rxjb
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second

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  (740): it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second http://tfl.nu/z13t
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

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  (717): I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal" http://tfl.nu/9g1t
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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  (734): He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another. http://tfl.nu/sx70
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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  (413): You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief. http://tfl.nu/eaos
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you

  (1-636): View more from Missouri

  when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced

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  (636): dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you (1-636): when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced http://tfl.nu/5nrz
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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  (630): all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed http://tfl.nu/xhsk
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.

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  (717): i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does. http://tfl.nu/p0z8
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  (646): View more from New York

  your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today

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  (646): your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today http://tfl.nu/czz0
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  (646): View more from New York

  They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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  (646): They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?! http://tfl.nu/7uj0
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  (760): View more from California

  so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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  (760): so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig. http://tfl.nu/u35s
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  (626): View more from California

  Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

  (308): View more from Nebraska

  Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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  (626): Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened? (308): Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex. http://tfl.nu/5y08
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  (619): View more from California

  Call me when you're up

  (619): View more from California

  Great dream, you were in it

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  (619): Call me when you're up (619): Great dream, you were in it http://tfl.nu/09kg
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.

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  (609): the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real. http://tfl.nu/krsx
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire

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  (304): Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire http://tfl.nu/o1m1
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He is like the real live version of the state fair..

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  (501): He is like the real live version of the state fair.. http://tfl.nu/cptf
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  (718): View more from New York

  he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty

  (917): View more from New York City

  smooth operator

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  (718): he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty (917): smooth operator http://tfl.nu/2sej
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."

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  (512): She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not." http://tfl.nu/pkrm
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.

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  (434): I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents. http://tfl.nu/eibu
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?

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  (617): My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned? http://tfl.nu/bm6r
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.

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  (847): Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over. http://tfl.nu/gmxm
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

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  (225): i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels http://tfl.nu/zg26
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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  (404): I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck. http://tfl.nu/f2m7
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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  (435): Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood http://tfl.nu/j2rr
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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  (775): What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS? (1-775): A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass! http://tfl.nu/lvgp
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"

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  (201): my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that" http://tfl.nu/nqkj
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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  (732): I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!? http://tfl.nu/ocr3
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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  (803): I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on http://tfl.nu/5tgi
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like

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  (407): I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like http://tfl.nu/v7ql
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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  (419): I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight. http://tfl.nu/kz23
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.

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  (203): She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock. http://tfl.nu/zr1r
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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  (715): I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win. http://tfl.nu/jyaa
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  (972): View more from Texas

  i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

  (817): View more from Texas

  Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

  (972): View more from Texas

  ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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  (972): i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating. (817): Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away. (972): ur like the dr phil of bizarro world. http://tfl.nu/uybr
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...

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  (240): He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow... http://tfl.nu/tod7
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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  (604): Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit. http://tfl.nu/890j
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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  (970): Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin. (970): Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right. http://tfl.nu/uxeh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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  (703): im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off http://tfl.nu/2ezh
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  (650): View more from California

  Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___

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  (650): Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___ http://tfl.nu/djlq
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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  (717): You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills. http://tfl.nu/kjxm
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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  (504): My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life http://tfl.nu/kko9
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.

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  (630): He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house. http://tfl.nu/pura
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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  (708): so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me. http://tfl.nu/mwnt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing

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  (610): just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing http://tfl.nu/xxuk
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter

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  (419): with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter http://tfl.nu/l06j
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  (585): View more from New York

  she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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  (585): she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over http://tfl.nu/tk3t
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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  (248): Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls. (1-248): That's the best idea I've heard all day. http://tfl.nu/w1qi
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'

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  (732): I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.' http://tfl.nu/iq97
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell

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  (203): so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell http://tfl.nu/ausp
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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  (262): I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf http://tfl.nu/oxnj
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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  (425): Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack. http://tfl.nu/ptag
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