Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I heard we made out
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
what day is it and did you see me today?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.