It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.