Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
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You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
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it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
ok i will unlock the door
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
love makes seman taste better
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.