I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
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she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
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she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.