I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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