I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yo dont text me then not text me
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Wipe that smile off your face.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm