Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
You can't motorboat a personality
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just pynch a tree in the face
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i dont even know how to be here
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.