Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
being pregnant is like rehab
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
a bad idea.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.