I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Your dad touched me again.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I will die if light touches me.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY