i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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