just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
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Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
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You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
you didnt know i had herpes?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.