Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
This girl is more easily done than said...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
one two three fourrrrnication!
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.