4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
You're right, stupid question.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
we're chasing vodka with high fives
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I CAN MOONWALK!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada