Texts From Last Night · crypticsage's Favorites

crypticsage's Favorites Texts:

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(631): View more from New York

I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(517): View more from Michigan

this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(314): View more from Missouri

I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(856): View more from New Jersey

And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.

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(802): View more from Vermont

PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.

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(941): View more from Florida

i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that

(850): View more from Florida

im pretty sure thats an 11

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(949): View more from California

she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."

(949): View more from California

little did she know i was taping her the whole time.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are so in love

(504): View more from Louisiana

so when's the next time you get to see your balls

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.

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(845): View more from New York

forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction

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(415): View more from California

I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."

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(561): View more from Florida

This dress was meant to end up on your floor

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

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(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(631): View more from New York

She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina

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(305): View more from Florida

so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator

(954): View more from Florida

you didnt stop her?

(305): View more from Florida

too entertaining

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(626): View more from California

What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?

(1-626): View more from California

You have mice?

(626): View more from California

no why?

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(281): View more from Texas

What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I guess God knew he was going to be bald...

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.

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(914): View more from New York

i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"

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(630): View more from Illinois

you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(989): View more from Michigan

News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.

(1-989): View more from Michigan

Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(636): View more from Missouri

just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I only kidnapped one of them. chill

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(650): View more from California

my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

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(805): View more from California

NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??

(805): View more from California

He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably go find him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(727): View more from Florida

She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm home now. bring me food and boobies

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

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(330): View more from Ohio

How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...

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(619): View more from California

Call me when you're up

(619): View more from California

Great dream, you were in it

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(904): View more from Florida

at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(678): View more from Georgia

all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin

(262): View more from Wisconsin

your sister was..

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(516): View more from New York

The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

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(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?

(314): View more from Missouri

you had an obligation.

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(703): View more from Virginia

Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?

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(301): View more from Maryland

He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza

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(630): View more from Illinois

batman just walked across the sidewalk

(1-630): View more from Illinois

lay off the drugs

(630): View more from Illinois

no for real he was wearing a cape

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(602): View more from Arizona

You can't motorboat a personality

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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(475): View more from Connecticut

just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles

(1-475): View more from Connecticut

exact location. now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...

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(315): View more from New York

I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance

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(402): View more from Nebraska

who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.

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(317): View more from Indiana

So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before

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(804): View more from Virginia

I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You were right. It hurts to walk today.

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(916): View more from California

How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.

(1-916): View more from California

Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(714): View more from California

I would go down on you faster than GM stock

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(949): View more from California

"it" just moved

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