If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She's allergic to latex.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
seriously i just wanna be friends
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
a bad idea.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.