Texts From Last Night · Kohl_train89's Favorites

Kohl_train89's Favorites Texts:

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(914): View more from New York

It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.

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(785): View more from Kansas

He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(860): View more from Connecticut

Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.

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(607): View more from New York

There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(443): View more from Maryland

Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(404): View more from Georgia

Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?

(1+44): View more from

It's a podium place so yeah...

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(480): View more from Arizona

He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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(916): View more from California

We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull

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(881): View more from

I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(219): View more from Indiana

This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup

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(304): View more from West Virginia

When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.

(606): View more from Kentucky

Fuck him.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it

(708): View more from Illinois

So thats why that cop beat my ass?

(630): View more from Illinois

Probably

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.

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(314): View more from Missouri

And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

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(310): View more from California

If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay

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(250): View more from British Columbia

WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary

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(734): View more from Michigan

the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning

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(623): View more from Arizona

You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'

(1-623): View more from Arizona

I thought I could.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's gameday bitch. Man up.

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(248): View more from Michigan

When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?

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(754): View more from Florida

Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.

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(951): View more from California

He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan

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(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

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(785): View more from Kansas

When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

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(805): View more from California

There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it

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(206): View more from Washington

I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.

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(817): View more from Texas

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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(315): View more from New York

A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos

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(226): View more from Ontario

I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.

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(519): View more from Ontario

All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sex in a tree stand. check.

(765): View more from Indiana

you lucky bastard

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(214): View more from Texas

I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.

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(360): View more from Washington

Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious

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(714): View more from California

Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon

(310): View more from California

Fuck you.

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(571): View more from Virginia

The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or

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(847): View more from Illinois

it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

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(512): View more from Texas

i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(224): View more from Illinois

Stop whining I left you with whiskey

(224): View more from Illinois

YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.

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(716): View more from New York

The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes

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(785): View more from Kansas

The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?

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(330): View more from Ohio

shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.

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(972): View more from Texas

I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.

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(512): View more from Texas

He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.

(713): View more from Texas

Yeah you should have just let that thought go.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(210): View more from Texas

so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina

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(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

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(913): View more from Kansas

I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours

(301): View more from Maryland

........yyyyyyeah that's me

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(518): View more from New York

The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?

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(248): View more from Michigan

My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER

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(434): View more from Virginia

i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

God you're perfect.

(303): View more from Colorado

I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.

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(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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(772): View more from Florida

Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa

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(937): View more from Ohio

Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.

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(516): View more from New York

8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"

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(319): View more from Iowa

i think i broke my dog last night...fuck

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(702): View more from Nevada

I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.

(712): View more from Iowa

What's an angry pirate?

(702): View more from Nevada

You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.

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(509): View more from Washington

HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

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(509): View more from Washington

Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.

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(509): View more from Washington

I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.

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(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): View more from Maryland

just fucking run.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(602): View more from Arizona

Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(905): View more from Ontario

The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.

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(813): View more from Florida

I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches

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(469): View more from Texas

Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.

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(817): View more from Texas

She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(518): View more from New York

HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

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(757): View more from Virginia

he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(620): View more from Kansas

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

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(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(954): View more from Florida

Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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