Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.