We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.