no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
bring money and cleavage
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.