Texts From Last Night · BHague's Favorites

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BHague's Favorites Texts:

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

My job here is done.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.

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(813): View more from Florida

it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Help me help you realize you are a moron

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(905): View more from Ontario

Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?

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(825): View more from

There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner

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(313): View more from Michigan

It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.

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(346): View more from

My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.

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(707): View more from California

This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.

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(209): View more from California

I can't put those talents on a resume

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?

(1-507): View more from Minnesota

Fuck you, my tits are fabulous

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

if i bang your brother are we still cool?

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(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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(407): View more from Florida

Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means

(651): View more from Minnesota

ITS ORAL SEX CAROL

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many...is TOO many?

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(716): View more from New York

I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night

(212): View more from New York

Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..

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(214): View more from Texas

I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.

(417): View more from Missouri

It's called being normal.

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(214): View more from Texas

Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex

(312): View more from Illinois

I was drunk

(312): View more from Illinois

Please answer

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(802): View more from Vermont

You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(240): View more from Maryland

The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.

(301): View more from Maryland

Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

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(801): View more from Utah

I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why does my jaw hurt?

(402): View more from Nebraska

I may have punched you.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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(716): View more from New York

What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god

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(514): View more from Quebec

can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

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(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess what happened to me today at work?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

I have chlamydia. What happened.

(734): View more from Michigan

Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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(702): View more from Nevada

He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin

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(970): View more from Colorado

I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick

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(770): View more from Georgia

I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.

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(239): View more from Florida

i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass

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(937): View more from Ohio

Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.

(360): View more from Washington

It was me.

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(655): View more from

Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

(440): View more from Ohio

Ps I am

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(352): View more from Florida

I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

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(559): View more from California

she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(347): View more from New York

I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think that's mostly how we became friends.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(678): View more from Georgia

I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(513): View more from Ohio

I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.

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(510): View more from California

He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.

(1-512): View more from Texas

I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.

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(369): View more from California

I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7

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(740): View more from Ohio

No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Jasmine is diving into bushes again.

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(812): View more from Indiana

He said he wanted to "superfuck" me

(678): View more from Georgia

Does he wear a cape??

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him

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(573): View more from Missouri

You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times

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(61): View more from Australia

Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Let's get weird.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's 10 am...

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm assuming that means you're not busy...

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(972): View more from Texas

Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table

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(571): View more from Virginia

In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.

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(425): View more from Washington

I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.

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(207): View more from Maine

Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first

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(303): View more from Colorado

Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background

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