Texts From Last Night

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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

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  (647): Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference. http://tfl.nu/9fcx
  Replies (7) Good night (2192) Bad night (1087)
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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  (843): He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name. http://tfl.nu/s3qy
  Replies (52) Good night (17011) Bad night (1124) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob

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  (775): Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob http://tfl.nu/1w2d
  Replies (5) Good night (499) Bad night (1143)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

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  (484): Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with? http://tfl.nu/xos6
  Replies (9) Good night (1704) Bad night (478) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

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  (412): he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/rnh5
  Replies (64) Good night (3623) Bad night (5139) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.

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  (715): I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs. http://tfl.nu/tciw
  Replies (3) Good night (1841) Bad night (576) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch

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  (812): You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch http://tfl.nu/d9ik
  Replies (3) Good night (1512) Bad night (343)
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

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  (443): The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts" http://tfl.nu/th5a
  Replies (37) Good night (1429) Bad night (6774) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.

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  (519): I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds. http://tfl.nu/ynhk
  Replies (3) Good night (1560) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

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  (256): I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self. http://tfl.nu/pw1v
  Replies (5) Good night (4511) Bad night (809) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.

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  (205): Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies. http://tfl.nu/26xq
  Replies (16) Good night (2449) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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  (516): That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it http://tfl.nu/ocmo
  Replies (13) Good night (1527) Bad night (3043) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  #1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE

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  (518): #1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE http://tfl.nu/txty
  Replies (15) Good night (3812) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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  (412): he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with. http://tfl.nu/jmfl
  Replies (13) Good night (5397) Bad night (1185)
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  Everytime we come here you have an ex here.

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  (985): Everytime we come here you have an ex here. http://tfl.nu/ev6m
  Replies (16) Good night (406) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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  (601): There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis. http://tfl.nu/xpx8
  Replies (9) Good night (1514) Bad night (4578) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
  Replies (358) Good night (59093) Bad night (7116) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

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  (814): I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was. http://tfl.nu/qrct
  Replies (39) Good night (1649) Bad night (5241)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.

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  (705): Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell. http://tfl.nu/z3u3
  Replies (21) Good night (6111) Bad night (694)
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  (914): View more from New York

  i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty

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  (914): i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty http://tfl.nu/qv38
  Replies (17) Good night (986) Bad night (2261) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

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  (510): Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow. http://tfl.nu/c544
  Replies (3) Good night (2601) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.

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  (207): Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level. http://tfl.nu/8m2b
  Replies (3) Good night (2218) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (903): View more from Texas

  I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.

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  (903): I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion. http://tfl.nu/pxq1
  Replies (15) Good night (572) Bad night (1813) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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  (303): Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free. http://tfl.nu/j1zd
  Replies (20) Good night (8298) Bad night (1091) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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  (516): I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory http://tfl.nu/t9t2
  Replies (21) Good night (10866) Bad night (638) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand

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  (978): During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand http://tfl.nu/wt71
  Replies (35) Good night (4102) Bad night (1415) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle

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  (330): oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle http://tfl.nu/fluw
  Replies (27) Good night (4186) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house

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  (732): so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house http://tfl.nu/3ust
  Replies (18) Good night (529) Bad night (3848) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.

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  (423): I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him. http://tfl.nu/dili
  Replies (5) Good night (3602) Bad night (1026) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
  Replies (70) Good night (24691) Bad night (1717)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.

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  (778): You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you. http://tfl.nu/kryn
  Replies (5) Good night (2425) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

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  (716): Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan. http://tfl.nu/rfh9
  Replies (4) Good night (1713) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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  (724): I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw! http://tfl.nu/e9vz
  Replies (14) Good night (3210) Bad night (596) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes

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  (541): He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes http://tfl.nu/g6v6
  Replies (19) Good night (499) Bad night (3432) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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  (413): Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option) http://tfl.nu/d3t6
  Replies (13) Good night (3943) Bad night (616)
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  (818): View more from California

  to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

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  (818): to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people http://tfl.nu/ib6w
  Replies (23) Good night (3693) Bad night (662) Order T-Shirt
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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  (402): I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted. http://tfl.nu/yox0
  Replies (27) Good night (7859) Bad night (1005)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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  (313): I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina http://tfl.nu/zo54
  Replies (5) Good night (2836) Bad night (595)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

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  (412): He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it. http://tfl.nu/j347
  Replies (7) Good night (2901) Bad night (505) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off

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  (818): Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off http://tfl.nu/wsi1
  Replies (8) Good night (2958) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

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  (208): Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf http://tfl.nu/yxjw
  Replies (6) Good night (3631) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???

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  (407): I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms??? http://tfl.nu/7lb6
  Replies (32) Good night (5184) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?

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  (647): he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird? http://tfl.nu/hpqu
  Replies (7) Good night (2937) Bad night (1063) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?

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  (248): I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you? http://tfl.nu/mhei
  Replies (8) Good night (2028) Bad night (399) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"

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  (781): he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me" http://tfl.nu/6fll
  Replies (16) Good night (1474) Bad night (2549) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
  Replies (12) Good night (5049) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.

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  (517): After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders. http://tfl.nu/u1xt
  Replies (19) Good night (2902) Bad night (677)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.

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  (978): I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b. http://tfl.nu/o2b7
  Replies (33) Good night (2323) Bad night (1378) Order T-Shirt
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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  (405): Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything. http://tfl.nu/pmpx
  Replies (76) Good night (27519) Bad night (1598)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.

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  (501): My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog. http://tfl.nu/5h53
  Replies (18) Good night (950) Bad night (2115) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  farters have to be the big spoon...

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  (913): farters have to be the big spoon... http://tfl.nu/5j3w
  Replies (6) Good night (708) Bad night (2571) Order T-Shirt
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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  (225): I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left. http://tfl.nu/d68g
  Replies (24) Good night (3381) Bad night (1309) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.

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  (860): i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him. http://tfl.nu/6b9m
  Replies (9) Good night (639) Bad night (2939) Order T-Shirt
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.

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  (662): As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom. http://tfl.nu/d15a
  Replies (15) Good night (2176) Bad night (725)
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."

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  (828): after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...." http://tfl.nu/7e08
  Replies (16) Good night (2981) Bad night (675) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?

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  (954): oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied? http://tfl.nu/xnft
  Replies (22) Good night (1760) Bad night (1637) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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  (304): Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way. http://tfl.nu/jfrt
  Replies (36) Good night (7177) Bad night (1125) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  She is totally STD

  (941): View more from Florida

  Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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  (941): She is totally STD (941): Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD http://tfl.nu/ruv5
  Replies (52) Good night (957) Bad night (3969)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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  (516): Never again will we have slut saturday. Never. http://tfl.nu/croh
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

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  (504): She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet. http://tfl.nu/znp0
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  (626): View more from California

  Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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  (626): Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/kgjr
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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  (817): He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here? http://tfl.nu/lydo
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe

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  (662): neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe http://tfl.nu/zrqw
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

  (1-931): View more from Tennessee

  Wtf? What happened?

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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  (931): Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other. (1-931): Wtf? What happened? (931): Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home. http://tfl.nu/q0zo
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

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  (256): Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier. http://tfl.nu/oxri
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Genius.

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  (704): I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty. (803): Genius. http://tfl.nu/hci7
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them

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  (443): at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them http://tfl.nu/jmz8
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out

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  (440): planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out http://tfl.nu/zgao
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.

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  (541): Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached. http://tfl.nu/gtou
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.

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  (206): Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life. http://tfl.nu/nb15
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  so when am I gonna get some from you?

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  when you dick grows 3 inches

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  (202): so when am I gonna get some from you? (617): when you dick grows 3 inches http://tfl.nu/rd2p
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"

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  (610): She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it" http://tfl.nu/cfuj
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"

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  (314): you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole" http://tfl.nu/qzvn
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.

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  (314): I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight. http://tfl.nu/vmod
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  (949): View more from California

  Getting food. Want anything?

  (1-949): View more from California

  Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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  (949): Getting food. Want anything? (1-949): Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce http://tfl.nu/xicu
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  (904): View more from Florida

  So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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  (904): So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius! http://tfl.nu/2kph
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.

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  (503): Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie. http://tfl.nu/g56z
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.

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  (724): You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake. http://tfl.nu/kf3k
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  (213): View more from California

  The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.

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  (213): The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was. http://tfl.nu/j53u
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  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"

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  (709): His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs" http://tfl.nu/qi7o
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.

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  (812): If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message. http://tfl.nu/nzcw
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  (406): View more from Montana

  also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

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  (406): also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome) http://tfl.nu/u3lw
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards

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  (540): I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards http://tfl.nu/0mpw
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me

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  (732): my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me http://tfl.nu/ef5u
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?

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  (803): I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low? http://tfl.nu/crwl
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  (352): View more from Florida

  I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND

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  (352): I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND http://tfl.nu/oakz
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  (315): View more from New York

  So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.

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  (315): So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave. http://tfl.nu/cgpg
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found

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  (405): I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found http://tfl.nu/l324
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

  (224): View more from Illinois

  story of my life.

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  (717): do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were? (224): story of my life. http://tfl.nu/syxz
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.

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  (814): I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that. http://tfl.nu/oxuc
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.

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  (708): We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something. http://tfl.nu/qsay
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.

  (231): View more from Michigan

  better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.

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  (517): he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night. (231): better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you. http://tfl.nu/vawi
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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  (480): Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that. http://tfl.nu/wbxh
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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  (612): You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast. http://tfl.nu/3zo3
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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  (207): I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7 http://tfl.nu/thj7
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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  (706): Her name starts with A and ends with whore. http://tfl.nu/o8d5
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  (619): View more from California

  Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.

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  (619): Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular. http://tfl.nu/9sri
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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  (336): Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll http://tfl.nu/6m63
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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  (267): there needs to be a build-a-bong store... http://tfl.nu/zpe9
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  (718): View more from New York

  im about as happy as oj after his trial

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  (718): im about as happy as oj after his trial http://tfl.nu/g9i1
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  (650): View more from California

  Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.

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  (650): Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight. http://tfl.nu/6biy
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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  (519): Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me. http://tfl.nu/7rdg
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i would one night stand the shit outta him

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  (443): i would one night stand the shit outta him http://tfl.nu/aljg
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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  (717): Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life. http://tfl.nu/od19
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?

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  (352): Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours? http://tfl.nu/ajza
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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  (732): He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it. http://tfl.nu/hjdx
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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  (508): this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes" http://tfl.nu/1j0f
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.

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  (502): I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart. http://tfl.nu/9vpe
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

  (360): View more from Washington

  I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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  (503): Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch. (360): I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina. http://tfl.nu/x3ve
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  (661): View more from California

  Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.

  (1-661): View more from California

  Lol thats a classic

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  (661): Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me. (1-661): Lol thats a classic http://tfl.nu/zpo3
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  (805): View more from California

  You are such a cockblock sometimes

  (661): View more from California

  You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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  (805): You are such a cockblock sometimes (661): You NEED a cockblock sometimes http://tfl.nu/zl8e
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  (425): View more from Washington

  This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

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  (425): This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference. http://tfl.nu/xg4w
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"

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  (419): Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?" http://tfl.nu/fz6y
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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  (715): guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off http://tfl.nu/qflt
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  (555): View more from

  Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

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  (555): Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style. http://tfl.nu/a25z
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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  (240): I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy http://tfl.nu/3nw9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

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  (815): But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. http://tfl.nu/hgck
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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  (901): Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable http://tfl.nu/jd9a
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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  (954): I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets http://tfl.nu/eeot
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night

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  (215): I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night http://tfl.nu/glp8
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money

  (813): View more from Florida

  sounds like you understand them just fine

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  (901): I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money (813): sounds like you understand them just fine http://tfl.nu/0zfp
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  just do him I won't tell jon

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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  (269): just do him I won't tell jon (1-269): um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore http://tfl.nu/l9xs
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

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  (973): this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg (1-973): gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something? (973): yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars http://tfl.nu/7tyz
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  (585): View more from New York

  broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

  (716): View more from New York

  you're writing country songs now?

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  (585): broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me. (716): you're writing country songs now? http://tfl.nu/hdm9
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  (407): View more from Florida

  So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"

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  (407): So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur" http://tfl.nu/dru1
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

  (217): View more from Illinois

  I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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  (314): Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos? (217): I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd. http://tfl.nu/vu96
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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  (250): How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time? http://tfl.nu/zyvh
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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  (832): How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?! http://tfl.nu/iqkb
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  (917): View more from New York City

  was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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  (917): was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him? http://tfl.nu/um4o
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We need a plan...

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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  (512): We need a plan... (1-512): Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan. http://tfl.nu/879h
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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  (917): I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant http://tfl.nu/lnj1
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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  (207): Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us. http://tfl.nu/mqg9
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  There is too much vodka and too much dick.

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  (860): There is too much vodka and too much dick. http://tfl.nu/9jud
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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  (971): Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them. http://tfl.nu/y8vc
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  (845): View more from New York

  it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we

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  (845): it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we http://tfl.nu/wm4n
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers

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  (617): i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers http://tfl.nu/ovgd
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