Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
