It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.