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I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
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