The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
What changed your mind?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?