Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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