of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
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the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...