I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
