just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
well you can't waste a boner
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
i dont even know how to be here
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
yea but for you.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
barbara walters just said penis...
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed