I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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