I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i out mim tonsoeep
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