You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She said her name was "party"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.