I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I hate ducks.
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
Hahaha April fools!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Is that why you're texting me
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.