Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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