I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
this will be a night to untag.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow