Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
they're like a gay fantastic four
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm fucking your sister right now.