I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
your address is 607B right?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i will never coherently bang her
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life