No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section