Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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