Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm fucking your sister right now.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My pussy is not your playground.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.